Here’s what this past week looked like- My Everyday Life: Week 47
When my dad and I came home after being at the hospital with my Mom in the ICU, I walked into my parent’s house and saw these flowers waiting there in the front entry.
They were for me.
My Mom was going to be giving them to me when she came over the next day for Thanksgiving.
All I could think of was how these could be the last flowers I ever received from my Mom.
They are the last flowers I will ever receive from my Mom.
It’s all a blur right now and time has been doing weird things to us this week.
I am not sure what day it is. I am not sure what I’m supposed to do.
My brain was in Thanksgiving mode. I didn’t know my Mom was going to die this week. I have a 27 lb. turkey in my fridge with no purpose.
Just when I think I haven’t cried in a while, one of the many texts or comments from readers or friends will make me break down in tears.
This is so much. I don’t know where to even begin. Thank you.
The kindness, love, support, compassion, and prayers make me break down.
Mostly because I can’t tell my Mom about it.
She would have read every comment.
She would have loved it.
When my Dad and I were waiting in the E.R. on Tuesday, the room was freezing so I gave him my vest.
I remember being paralyzed with thoughts while packing to go to the hospital. I changed my outfit three times.
What outfit do you wear that could be the outfit your mother sees you in last? I picked out a bright orange hoodie (her favorite color) and wore overalls because I wanted comfort.
I brought a vest because when I wear it, it makes me feel hugged.
My Dad wore it for 5 hours before he noticed he was wearing it.
It made me smile.
“I’d better give you this back before I forget.”
Even when we weren’t huddled next to each other in the waiting room, I knew that when he was walking around or pacing he was being hugged by me.
My mom would have giggled. She would have also checked to see if I left anything in the pockets.
Being in a hospital was surreal. We spent three days in and out of St. Mary’s in SF.
We had some of the most amazing and kind people we were working with.
My mom would have loved her team. But I know that in some way, my mom set them up for us.
My mom attracted goodness. My mom made amazing connections. We were all well taken care of.
I found this in the elevator at the hospital when I was going to get something from the car.
My mom would have laughed and then told me not to touch it.
I remember blowing up latex gloves in her kitchen with her after playing around with her blood pressure machine.
Whenever she was around me, she was always trying to tell me to take a picture of something she saw.
“This is a picture!”
This was a picture. I wish my mom was next to me telling me about her childhood in San Francisco.
She would have offered some anecdotes to help me through. She would have made me laugh.
She would have locked her arm with mine and rested her head on my shoulders.
One day Cooper will be taller than me and I will know what that felt like to her.
They gave me her garnet ring right after they resuscitated her for the second time in the E.R.
I believe it was her mother’s. They shared the same birthday. It was their birthstone.
I put it on and have been wearing it ever since.
My mom would have done the same.
For two days we were in limbo. Our life revolved around hospital visits, phone calls, and food. We just waited for any news. We hung onto hope.
Even though it’s my parents’ house, I always called it my mom’s house.
The house felt foreign without her bubbly personality. She would be so happy that we were all together, under one roof for Thanksgiving.
We kept conversations going. We all comforted each other. My mom would have been proud of that. My mom would be happy to know that we gave each other our full attention. She would have loved to chime in at several points.
I keep seeing little signs of her. I know she’s going to be giving them to me for as long as I live.
I basically stayed off of my phone the whole time. Little bits of information went out. Too much input and I was filled with too many emotions. Emotions that prevent me from doing things like walking, talking, and staying strong.
My Dad will have to create a new normal.
And so, I put my energy into cleaning & organizing her house.
She would have been soooooooooo pissed and shooed me away while doing so.
I found my business cards all over the house. It felt like she planted them for me.
This quote kept popping up in my head. Putting my energy to good use was all I had. I learned that from her.
Right after she lost her battle. I felt her warmth. The sun came out. It twinkled.
She arrived in a brilliant sunset.
And the clouds were super spectacular during our walks through the city as a family without her by our side.
We’ve been eating our feelings. My appetite is all over the place.
Cooper has been extra-loving this week.
Last night he told me that he’s been holding his sadness in because if he doesn’t, he will collapse.
He doesn’t understand it. He doesn’t understand how this will change him.
It makes me feel so lucky that I had my grandparents for as long as I did.
He doesn’t understand how this will change me.
I do know that she is his Godmother and will protect him always.
She will just be doing it from above now.
One day I will get a proper picture of this.
On the way to dinner.
Cooper was sending me pictures he made on the iPad to my email to make me laugh.
I can’t wait to tell you about the last email I received from my Mom.
If you think I’m silly, you should have met my Mom.
The food I bought for Thanksgiving has been turning into other things this week.
I have so many potatoes I don’t even know what to do with and I still have to cook our turkey.
I had just finished doing last-minute grocery shopping the morning I got the call to rush to the hospital.
I forgot that I left flowers in a bucket outside so I could arrange them before Thanksgiving.
Making this arrangement yesterday made me happy. My mom loved flowers and this past year I really started appreciating yellow, orange, and reds in a way I never had before.
I always think of my mom when I see the colors of Autumn.
Those colors mean even more to me now.
Another walk with my family after lunch.
We stopped walking as a family when it was harder for my mom to walk.
She had been having a very difficult time with her back in recent months.
Walking helps. Walking brings us comfort.
On Sunday we drove up to Yountville and took Cooper out to lunch at Ad Hoc.
We had chicken fried steak.
And these pork chili nachos.
Followed by a pumpkin dessert.
Before it all happened, I started getting signs. I had a dream last week that she died and I went to call her on the phone but she didn’t answer. It really hurt my heart.
She called me twice this week. We had two amazing conversations. We didn’t rush each other off.
I am so grateful for that. I don’t know if she knew it was the end but I am so thankful I got to hear her voice.
The signs always come to me in Thrift stores. I kept seeing things
This week, I launched my Etsy shop. I announced it on my Instagram.
I sent out a few prints and then everything happened. I’ll probably get back in the swing of it soon and will find great comfort in the shipping process. My brain likes to keep busy. Obviously.
I have a lot of work to do with my family in the next few weeks so posting will be a little spotty.
Thank you for your patience. I know you’ll understand.
This week just reminds me that there’s still goodness in this world.
There’s power in a home-cooked meal.
Don’t be afraid to try new things.
Don’t forget to stop and take a detour.
Write everything down, before you forget.
Look for the good. Look for the light. It will be there for you when you need it to be.
If you have your Mom around, think of all of the questions you want to ask her.
ASK HER. You’ll never know when you won’t be able to anymore.
I love you, Mom. It pains me that you won’t get to see any more posts here. I know you loved the space I created online and I know you would be proud of the people who you’ve left me with. They’re good, just like you.
The doctor confirmed what I always knew…..you had an incredibly large heart.
Week 47 in 2016
Week 47 in 2015
Week 47 in 2014
Week 47 in 2013
Week 47 in 2012
Week 47 in 2011
